Anatomy of a Horror Movie Poster

Computer problems.

2010-08-05T11:59:00.000-07:00

Your beloved satire and silliness-laced horror blog is overflowing with sadness due to a lack of regular updates. Sure, I get stuff up every week, but not with the frequency I'd like. My computer has been on the fritz for a long time now and it doesn't allow me to be productive like it did in the good old days when it was shiny, top-of-the-line and brand new.

For those who haven't already heard me bitch about it, I've got major viral problems: spontaneous reboots, every browser I use crashing for no reason, programs shutting down at random, inability to watch video for more than a minute at a time, total chaos when I try to update anti-virus software, etc. Long story short: after much research I know these difficulties to be viral in nature and not merely overheating problems. I just cannot afford a new computer right now.

So while I will bring you new material every week, it will not be with the frequency and quickness with which I (and presumably you) would prefer. The moment I can upgrade, I'll let you know and you'll start seeing more frequent updates.

Until then, thank you for your enthusiastic support and know better days are just around the corner. Halloween is coming fast, and that makes me VERY eager to get things right!

AHMP: Caltiki the Undying Monster

2010-07-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

Subject: Caltiki the Undying Monster.
1959, Dir. Riccardo Freda.

Preliminary remarks:
Caltiki the Undying Monster was also released as Caltiki the Immortal Monster for those who cannot handle the sheer volume of terror conjured up by the word undying. The film revolves around atomic energy blasts from space reviving the age-old monster worshiped by voodoo loving natives. Basically, it looks a lot like The Blob but with some cool gore effects and voodoo. You can see the trailer right here. Anybody have any guesses as to what the fuck is going on at about 2:02? I encourage readers of both sexes to join me as I take a look at this poster.

ANALYSIS:

<<< I'm so moving to California and opening a bar. You get one guess as to the name and the theme.

<<< Frankenstein? You best get your ass out of here. Caltiki is gonna be so pissed when she finds out you're trying to steal her girlfriend.

<<< How many Agent Smiths can you find?

<<< The living curse in this case is that guys are always trying to cop a feel.

<<< It's less about Caltiki's need for a virgin and more about her obsession with rudimentary linguistic tricks.

<<< "Okay men, since this thing is immortal, I don't think we stand much of a chance at killing it. Instead, let's try to make it look injured by spraying blood all over it and call it a day."

Conclusion: Lots going on, but the levity of the tropical locale seems to lift the veil of horror a bit. Still, nicely done. B-.

AHMP: Beast from 20,000 Fathoms

2010-07-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

Subject: The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms.
1953, Dir. Eugène Lourié.

Preliminary remarks:
A full year before atomic testing released Godzilla upon Tokyo, atomic testing released this beast from 20,000 fathoms upon New York City. Who knows what waits for us in nature's no-man's land? I do. It's in the damn poster.

ANALYSIS:

From where, you say? I'll wait here. This could take a while.

Oh, I'll beg to differ.

Well no shit, asshole.

"Thanks, dood. I completely lost track of it for a minute there."

Are you fucking kidding me?!

I'm not sure what's worse: the halitosis or the excessive draining of the ballasts. I HOPE YOU DIE, YOU MURDERING BASTARD!!! Ahem, sorry. Lost control in all the horror for a second.

Conclusion: decent poster, somewhat over-the-top, just plain fun. B.

AHMP: Dr. Terror's House of Horrors

2010-07-21T05:48:00.000-07:00

Subject: Dr. Terror's House of Horrors.
1965, Dir. Freddie Francis.

Preliminary remarks:
This thoroughly charming Amicus anthology tells of the fates of five people through the Tarot cards of the fiendish Dr. Terror. Trailer.

ANALYSIS:

Meet Dr. Terror. Half green. Half Caucasian. All drunk.

Bum gloves help facilitate the dealing of fates during inclement weather.

Years ago, I got a raise at my job because I convinced my boss I was far more essential than I was by capitalizing my entire last name on my time sheets.

Normally in posters of this era, the color and scope details are spelled out in larger letters because of how obviously important they are.

Looks so familiar, hmmm...

French Tarot cards? Too bad they didn't work during WWII.

Needed: someone to watch my terror dog while I'm away on vacation. Unknown terror mix, rescued from a shelter. Please call 555-0497 for more details. Answers to Oh God, Please No!! Aaaargh!

Needed: someone to watch my spider-bat while I'm away on vacation. Rescued from a laboratory. Please call 555-0497 for more details. Answers to Dave.

Needed: someone to watch my severed hand of horror while I'm away on vacation. "Rescued" from a living human. Hates art collectors. Please call 555-0497 for more details. Answers to no one.

Conclusion: awesome! A!

AHMP: Black Sunday

2010-07-19T10:44:00.000-07:00

Subject: Black Sunday. 1960, Dir. Mario Bava.

Preliminary remarks:
Black Sunday is not to be confused with Black Sabbath from 1963, also by Mario Bava. That was the three-story anthology with Boris Karloff. This is the one with Barbara Steele. Here, Black Sunday is the tale of a witch and her servant who come back from the grave for vengeance with Steele possessing the body of her look-alike descendant. As we look to the poster, remember; you've just been renounced in the name of Satan! Trailer.

ANALYSIS:

Much to the chagrin of Colonel Tom Parker, by 1960 Elvis began to give away all his unused album fonts.

Nothing ropes in an audience quicker than knowing that the courage threshold for a film is the tender age of twelve.

Making human smores is difficult. Looks like these guys only remembered the marshmallow and the chocolate. Somebody's gotta run out for the graham crackers.

Burning the witch and not the angry mob: you're doing it wrong.

These must be the guys with the giant graham crackers.

If you tilt your head to the right, this castle looks like a guy with robot arms on stilts.

Black Sunday: featuring a cameo by Ernest Hemingway! His last-ever feature film!

Conclusion: not too shabby. B-.

AHMP: The Treasure of Dracula

2010-07-14T08:35:00.000-07:00

Subject: The Treasure of Dracula
(aka El tesoro de Drácula; El vampiro y el sexo).
1969, Dir. René Cardona.

Preliminary remarks:

First off, The Treasure of Dracula is one of the weakest titles I've ever seen for a horror movie. Not one of the worst, but certainly one of the weakest. It's incredible how the addition of just one word can ruin everything. Here, it's the addition of the word 'treasure'. Pft. Fool ain't got no mothafuckin' treasure. He's Dracula. Badass like that don't need no treasure. That would be like taking the 1931 Dracula and adding in something like 'Bram Stoker's' to the front of it. Not necessary. Some things can stand on their own two feet.

ANALYSIS:

The only thing I hate more than vampires are jaundiced vampires. Mexican vampires are known for their problems with gallstones. Better go see a doctor, you blood suckin' motherfucker.

Even Dracula and his treasure have respect for Santo, as revealed in his power amulet's reference to Santo's eyes. Face masks, jaundice...it's all about the eyes with these guys.

"Step off, bitch! I must wear this mask always. I find you so boring, I snore while I'm awake, too."

Mexicans work very hard, and thus have no energy left for thoughtful name-giving.

Dracula may be a lot of things, but he's not unfair. At least he's giving this girl a chance to escape with these loose chains. Oh, yeah...she's probably heavily drugged with jaundice by now. Nevermind.

Movie Trivia Time: Santo's grandma quilted this title together by hand.

"I've never killed anyone before, Captain. I find this to be highly illogical...but fascinating."

Conclusion: nice composition, it's got some atmosphere going for it, but it's still lacking. Even with the presence of wrestling, one could still up the ante with the horror component. C.

AHMP: The Terror

2010-07-09T19:22:00.000-07:00

Subject: The Terror. 1963, Roger Corman.

Preliminary remarks:
This movie represents the ultra-rare pairing of two horror greats: Boris Karloff near the end of his reign and Jack Nicholson, just beginning his own foray into horror stardom. Here, the berserk Baron Victor Frederick Von Leppe may or may not turn out to be who he claims. And who he claims to be doesn't sit right with Lt. Andre Duvalier (Nicholson) as the two do battle for the slimy affections of wet, busty she-ghost Helene. Also starring Dick Miller as someone not named Walter Paisley. TRAILER.

ANALYSIS:

Aside from the old witch, there is only one lady in this film. When lying about how many beauties your film contains, be sure to color code them. I know I keep all my lies color-coded. We've seen this before.

All those shenanigans with killing a guy, feeling bad about it, going crazy and taking over his identity will really rob a dude of a good night's rest.

Nothing like stragglers to ruin a good coffin-opening.

Placing yourself in the company of great memories works just as well with the ladies, too! "John, Bill, Ted, Doug and now...Jason!

Ladies trapped in cobwebs and a blue/pink castle on a gold mountain. These things tend to disappear quickly upon closer inspection much to the chagrin of terminally-bored census takers.

Gentlemen, please: the graveyard is no place to learn the twist.

Conclusion: fun, well-composed, just overall good! Extra-credit for centering the giant cobweb over Karloff's eye. A-.

AHMP: The Corpse Packs His Bags

2010-07-07T10:37:00.000-07:00

Subject: The Corpse Packs His Bags. 1972, Dir. Jess Franco.

Preliminary remarks:
This Jess Franco adaptation of Edgar Wallace's "The Secret of the Black Suitcases" sees a British slasher pack the bags of his victims before stabbing them all up. Superb poster art lies ahead, and since this is a Franco film you can rest assured the poster is far better than the film itself deserves.

ANALYSIS:

Om nom nom nom...

What a shame. A terrible waste of such a cool jean jacket.

So much for nothing good happening only after midnight.

This secret hand signal means 'I've been murdered.' It's a gang thing. You wouldn't understand.

The entire film takes place inside a magical pop-up book where only murder happens.

I am the eye in the sky/
Looking at youuuu-uuu-uu/
I can cheat you blind.

Conclusion: incredible art, great atmosphere. A.

AHMP: The Flesh and Blood Show

2010-07-05T09:25:00.000-07:00

Subject: The Flesh and Blood Show. 1972, Dir. Pete Walker.

Preliminary remarks:
TRAILER! Actors at a seaside theatre are being killed off one by one by an unknown maniac.

ANALYSIS:

An appalling amalgam of verbiage an verbosity.

Well now, hold on one minute. This isn't in black and white? I wasn't going to watch this movie, but now that I know it's been stained -gruesomely!- in color, gosh...that changes everything! Thanks, Evi...whoever you are.

Great font selection. Really evokes that boardwalk attraction feel. Especially the bloodier aspects of it.

I'll admit my Farah Fawcett posters weren't like the ones you normally saw plastered to a young man's ceiling.

"Hmm, it seems having a Manson look-alike isn't going to be enough. But you know what? I'll bet if we cross him with Jack Frost, we'll make millions!

Another young Hollywood guillotine succumbs to the pressure to whore itself up with lipstick.

Playing wheelbarrow fail.

Conclusion: interesting poster. Totally horror, but it feels somehow lacking. B-/C+.

AHMP: Cauldron of Death

2010-07-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

Subject: Cauldron of Death. 1973, Dir. Tulio Demicheli.

Preliminary remarks:
Strictly speaking, this is a bit verbotten on my end, because Cauldron of Death is actually an Italian crime drama/thriller. Not a horror movie. But there really is a cauldron of death featured here and the poster is straight out of a horror film so I'm calling it fair game, since we really are here for the posters. The trailer is pretty funny, with its sound effects in the fight scenes and the cauldron itself. CLICK.

ANALYSIS:

I can't even begin to recall the number of times I've been caught with my pants down in the sudden presence of a death cauldron. It's embarrassing! I'm going to see this movie just to get some pointers.

Extreme
Juxtoposition

Obvious
Implication

"So where do you work these days?"
"Oh, over at the Movielab. I operate the death cauldron. Kinda boring, to tell you the truth. Always the same shit, different day. 'No, pleaaase!' they scream. 'I doan wanna diiiiie!' Pft."

Oh come on, turn that frown upside down! Quick, stand on your head so your face melts in the other direction!

Let's make a wish. *I hope I get the larger bone* Tip: try wishing for something along the lines of avoiding one of those sneaky, dignity-stealing death cauldrons.

The ol' 'melting-hand-bare-breast-block'. Classic. Still, I sense a missing nipple.

Conclusion: a poster this great begs to have the film itself redone as a gothic horror piece. A-.

SPECIAL ESSAY: The Self Help Book You Need Most, Based on Your Favorite Horror Film

2010-07-02T10:54:00.000-07:00

I'm Dr. Jay Sin, and I'm here to help.

Some would consider us fans of horror a somewhat pathological crowd. Some claim that violence in film helps foster violence in real life by way of imitation, if for no other reason than for a chance to quote some ancient Greek philosopher just to be pedantic. I say those who imitate such violence already likely have some underlying sickness independent of their chosen genre affiliations. The rest of us clearly understand the difference between film and real life. Nevertheless, for those whose hobbies veer toward the more...let's say 'eccentric', I offer this guide to some great self help books based on some of my patient's favorite horror films.

The Twilight Series

Nobody can figure out why anybody would like you, nobody around you scores, and what you call friends are constantly brooding. Your recommended self help book is Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. It won't work. And since never getting laid is actually worse than being undersexed, I also recommend this book on the basic mechanics of sex in the event you do some day score: Hole in the Mattress, by Mr. Completely.

The Scream Series

Here's the thing: you don't know when to leave. You were great when you showed up to the party, but you've been crashing on our couch for three weeks now! Just....just get out of here! Your recommended self help book is The Fabric Of Self: Meditations on Vanity by John McAfee. It won't work, so I also recommend Quitting Yourself by Doan Beadick.

The Hellraiser Series

You're in the wrong line of work. You've been doing this for how many years, and all you've managed is to convince yourself that you like the abuse you get from your bosses and that if you take enough you'll make your own way up eventually...and end up an asshole boss yourself. Your recommended self help book is What Color Is Your Parachute? by Richard Nelson Bolles. It won't work. You might want to take a look at Why Jesus Wept, by Uncle Frank.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

You bitch hog! You get back in that kitchen right now, Goddamnit! Your recommended self help book is The Hard Questions for Adult Children and Their Aging Parents by Susan Piver. Clearly, this won't work as you're probably illiterate, so I also recommend Good Night, Gorilla, by Peggy Rathmann.

The Exorcist

One day everything is fine, the next day you're possessed by a raging demonic force Hell-bent on destroying you. You know how all those self help books you see claim nothing is actually your fault? They're wrong: your recommended self help book is Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives by Laura Schlessinger. You won't live long enough to read it though, so try this instead: Ouija Board Basics by Esmeralda Verdoma. Look for it in the occult section at Borders.

The Shining

Finally, we come upon some real pathology. If The Shining is your favorite horror film you need more than just a book. You'd best get yourself some damn professional help. But in the event you cannot afford the expense, I highly recommend reading The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People by Stephen R. Covey to help with that writer's block. If that doesn't help, try journaling. Wait...scratch that.

So there it is. I hope you found some material that can help you cope with these trying times we live in. You freak.

AHMP: Tormented

2010-06-30T08:47:00.000-07:00

Subject: Tormented. 1960, Dir. Bert I. Gordon.

Preliminary remarks:
The 40-23-35 Juli Reding crashes her ex's wedding plans because he failed to prevent her from falling through a broken railing at his lighthouse, drowning her the very night she confronted him about said impending wedding. How any gal with a 40 inch chest is able to drown is beyond me, but this vengeful ghost torments him for the remainder of the film.

ANALYSIS:

Severed head. Possibly worthy of a red flag, indicating future torment. Some of my friends are gypsies; I know these things.

What's this? Your ex is falling off your balcony and you're doing nothing to help her? This might very well be the incident that sets up all the ghost shenanigans. Next time, to ensure she doesn't drown, hold any limbo contests on the beach itself.

Men, beware the torment of wet breasts. The bigger and deader they are, the greater your torment. Not torment in the regular sense, but in that 'God-what-a-great-rack-too-bad-she's-dead' sense.

I have to tell you, I'll take torment from a she-ghost on Haunted Island over war nightmares any day. In fact, that could be the beginning of a new relationship for me. Doesn't exactly sound like a raw deal. Unless maybe the she's like, fugly...or related to me. Then we're talking pure, unadulterated awkward.

I don't mind the light passing through my she-ghosts so much. It's handy in telling if she has breast implants. It's those damn painted-on eyebrows so popular with the she-ghost crowd that really bug the heck outta me.

Tom reaches for the stick on his invisible proton pack. Of course, he's reaching over the wrong shoulder but he doesn't know it because his proton pack is fucking invisible. Remember Tom, don't look directly into the trap!

Conclusion: normally, a beach-scene isn't the first thing I think of when it comes to horror, but this is pretty good. B-.

AHMP: The Black Sleep

2010-06-28T11:27:00.000-07:00

Subject: The Black Sleep. 1956, Dir. Reginald Le Borg.

Preliminary remarks:
Sir Cadman (Basil Rathbone) is trying to find a way to relieve his wife's brain tumor, and turns to 'zombifying' the brains of others in order to operate on them while they are still alive so he can see what works/what doesn't. The drug he uses to anesthetize his human guinea pigs puts them into what is called 'the black sleep' from which few emerge, though they still walk among the living. Trailer Time! Can the poster itself reveal some secrets to Sir Cadman's madness? Maybe. Or possibly not.

ANALYSIS:

SEE! The diabolical doctor first create mediocre-monsters before moving onto more advanced projects!

SEE! The drunk-struggle of man against raging Hollywood alcoholic!

SEE! Some other young girl dance in the grasp of a friend!

Before seeking a career in politics, film was the main passion of current U.S. Vice President Joe Biden.

Tor Johnson lost a lot of potential roles in his career due to this early decision to apply green-face makeup which clearly set human-zombie relations back a full century.

Despite his controversial makeup decision, women would frequently swoon in ecstasy at the sight of Tor Johnson's arm hair.

Typical female 'anything you can do I can do better' attitude misdirected toward male pattern baldness.

Conclusion: fun poster. B.

AHMP: Blood of Dracula's Castle

2010-06-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

Subject: Blood of Dracula's Castle. 1969, Dir. Al Adamson, Jean Hewitt.

Preliminary remarks:
The film itself is a terrible bore with a micro-cast that makes the viewer feel claustrophobic and in constant need of the fresh scenery they never provide. At least the poster offers some hope...or is that deceit? Yeah, it's deceit.

ANALYSIS:

Do you see the spelling error? Look closely. It's not h-o-r-r-o-r, it's b-o-r-e-d-o-m.

It's touching to see the Count and his coffin-mate so concerned about the longevity of our young girls. On an unrelatd note, I recently asked a four year old if he thinks he can live another three hundred years. His response? "Maybe if I do more pushups and eat some bacon."

It doesn't matter if it's used by the Count and his coffin-mate. If it's a double-wide, it's redneck. Period.

Rendered from a wedding cake topper.

"Okay, I need you to hold it just a little longer while I finish up here. I know you've been holding that pose a very long time, but I'm almost done. I like your stick, is that a Christmas ornament on the end there?"

Dracula: "That's it! I've had it with you three! I told you yesterday not to forget your flags when you come here to practice semaphore in the dungeon! Get out of my sight. You disgust me. This is a flight training school, not a dance club."

Conslusion: not bad. Solid B.

AHMP: The Child

2010-06-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

Subject: The Child. 1977, Dir. Robert Voskanian.

Preliminary remarks:
I present you tonight with the Italian poster for The Child. Just on a cursory examination we see a nicely depicted, very gloomy house with zombies on the approach. Simple in composition, but the atmosphere on display here is incredible. It's somewhat understated (as far as horror movie posters go), and manages to conceal the rather tame film it represents. Plot: Rosalie has psychic control over zombies who do her bidding (at least I think that's how she does it), and they want to help you understand she doesn't have to tell you anything! In this low-rent horror (and the only one ever from Robert Voskanian), all you need to know is she's gonna hurt you both...hurt you bad. TRAILER TIME!

ANALYSIS:

Lucky for you guys, I had seven years of Italian in high school. This Italian translation of the title clearly means "Zombie House Delegates."

This translates roughly into "Anthony! Aunt Tutu protests dental dams."

"Uh, hi. Is this the house for the Jehovah's Witness Relocation Program? No? Zombies only? Oh, sorry."

Sports Trivia! 100% of tased sporting event streakers eventually zombify.

Oh come one you two, get a room. Gustav Klimt called; he wants his kissers back. Pft.

Sorry dude. We just ran out of zombie makeup. Here's a Goddamn sheet. Do your thing.

Conclusion: very nice poster. Lots of white space, but everything in between is elegant with win. A-.

SPECIAL ESSAY: What Your Favorite Vampire Movie Says About You

2010-06-17T09:01:00.000-07:00

Your favorite vampire movie says a lot about your inner workings as a human. Don't believe me? Take a look below and just try to deny the inescapable conclusions!

DRACULA (1931)
With the film dragging after the action moves to London and some mind-blowing piss-poor camera work like the scene where the Count is introduced to Dr. Seward in a way that makes our antagonist look terribly short, this means that you are the type of person who is willing to look past a few minor flaws to see the obvious classic gem just below the surface. Obviously, you're fat.

NOSFERATU (1922 or 1979)
Count Orlok was emo before it was cool and fashionable to be emo. Also, he was a rat-faced bugger. That means he was likely not without merit for being emo. When you're old, immortal and ugly all at the same time, you're certainly justified in being a self-absorbed loner. So what does this mean for the person who's favorite vampire movie is Nosferatu? It means you have enough time on your hands to be assholishly eclectic just for the sake of being eclectic. You like it because it's old, and that's it. You think you seem better informed because you assume old stuff is somehow always obscure. Like the music elitist asshole who thinks they're better than everyone else just because they know They Might Be Giants were previously known as Little Sister's Doily Shop before they got famous. Fuck you.

TWILIGHT -or any other entry in the franchise-
If you are a young lady: "I'm a nondescript oaf who's deathly afraid of penises. I also suffer from insipidly naive notions about love lol!"

If you are a middle-aged lady: "I haven't had good sex since roughly nine months before I gave birth to my first child, with whom I'm currently watching Twilight."

If you are a guy: "I'm a closeted, cock-sucking fag but I think I can hide it by being on Team Jacob lol! Also, I'm a drama queen. And why am I the only guy in my group of friends who knows who Bruce Vilanch is? Gotta go -I'm running late for wrestling practice. Go Spartans!"

THE FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLERS (1967)
The slapstick comedy, the stereotypical landlord Shagal played by Alfie Bass and the undeniable beauty of Sharon Tate can mean only one thing for the guy who selects this Roman Polanski film as his favorite vampire movie: you're a self-hating Jew who condones harboring child-molesters. You might as well be Catholic as long as you're at it.

UNDERWORLD or UNDERWORLD: EVOLUTION (2003, 2006)
The Underworld films are basically Twilight for the heterosexual. There's forbidden love between species, a werewolf and vampire war, etc. Except unlike Twilight, there's actual bloodshed, sex, and incredible werewolf transformations (at least in Evolution). Unfortunately, there's also a fair amount of latex emo posing. The only thing it really says about you though is that you have a healthy appreciation for camp. Oh, and at some point your parents probably gave you $20 and asked you to run away.

NEAR DARK or THE LOST BOYS (both 1987)
For the person who actually knows vampire films, '80s horror wouldn't be '80s horror without these two quintessential vampire films. Everybody has seen The Lost Boys. It was a right of '80s passage to have done so. But only the horror fan has seen Near Dark, directed by The Hurt Locker's Kathryn Bigelow. If either of these are your favorite vampire film, it basically means you were the kid selling liquor and cigarettes out of his locker in junior high and I hate you so much because I wanted to be like you. Thanks a shit load for stealing my thunder, asshole. I'd feel worse if not for the fact that you grew up to be a balding, beer-gutted slob who works part-time at Auto Zone, you wife-beating son of a bitch.

SHIVER OF THE VAMPIRES (1970)
You're the kind of shitbag who mistakes nudity for eroticism and who uses pretentious film-talk like 'auteur' and 'mise–en–scène' instead of simply saying director and direction. You have a horror podcast because you like to hear yourself talk. Worst of all, you're a journalism and mass communications major...one rung on the shit-sucking corporate ladder above PR guy. Congratulations; you're the most annoying horror fan out there. Please die.

FRIGHT NIGHT (1985)
Fright Night is kind of like The Lost Boys for loners. That's okay though, Fright Night is a groovy movie. By the way; last week I found all the gay porn you've starred in on IMDb and your mugshot from when you were arrested for child solicitation at a Chuck-E-Cheese.

AHMP: Amuck!

2010-06-11T21:13:00.000-07:00

Subject: Amuck! 1972, Dir. Silvio Amadio.

Preliminary remarks:
Oh my, this doesn't look very promising. Let's see whether we can save it, or whether we have to condemn it.

ANALYSIS:

'Everything'? Who's she, and why didn't he just kidnap her? This guy's explosion of sexual frenzy has made him go rogue! Watch out, this guy is outta control!

Or maybe not. He looks pretty bored for going through an explosion of sexual frenzy. He needs to spice it up. I'm giving this guy a subscription to Cosmo or Good Housekeeping or something. Merry Christmas, Amuck! guy!

Well, shit. No wonder he's bored. His sexual frenzy hinges on using a tired cliche; women as puppets. We've discussed this before. It's not nice to the ladies, and frankly it's lame. Instead, hold a popsicle stick a couple feet above your penis and pretend it's on a string by flexing your pelvic floor muscles to make it bounce up and down. Now we're talking entertainment.

This is the color of an explosion of sexual frenzy when you forget to have the common sense to pee beforehand.

Oh God, this again. Worse than the strap-off-the-shoulder trick, it's the bra-unhinged-in-an-explosion-of-sexual-frenzy trick. There are 8 women in this poster. Exactly half have their bras/bikini tops unbuttoned. If these are all made by the same manufacturer, they need a new materials engineer who's experienced with fabrics as they undergo an explosion of sexual frenzy. A 50% attrition rate for lingerie is simply unacceptable.

Doubles as a table runner for special occasions.

Conclusion: this poster has not whipped me into any sort of frenzy whatsoever. C. Below, you will find an alternate poster for Amuck!, one that I find to be far more compelling despite its simplicity.

AHMP: Anthropophagus

2010-06-11T21:05:00.000-07:00

Subject: Anthropophagus. 1980, Dir. Joe D'Amato.

Preliminary remarks:
Anthropophagus is Latin for cannibal. Hint: when looking for words to riff on, never ever Goolge 'anthro'. You end up with endlessly depressing shit LIKE THIS. Some say this is George Eastman's greatest role. In case you haven't guessed, he's our anthropophagus. I'm not so sure. Maybe as far as Eastman goes, but that doesn't necessarily dictate that the word 'superlative' is proper to use here. Especially considering Eastman has to hold the entire thing on his shoulders. He's not an asset; he's the only essential ingredient.

ANALYSIS:

Right out the gate, I want to congratulate this poster on its sweet font. In horror, your title font is everything. We discovered how this can go wrong in the poster for Lady Frankenstein. Here, though the title is not color-filled, it still fits because the entire poster is illustrative in nature. Also, it's clearly a font of epic nature. All 3D fonts are by definition. Jolly good, Anthropophagus. Jolly good.

Okay, so here we see George Eastman eating...his own guts! Nothing says cannibal-recession like eating your own guts. We've all heard the old saying: when you can't put your money where your mouth is, put your guts in your mouth.

Just look at the gut-crunchng fury in George Eastman's anthro-face! Makes you wonder what's going through his mind, doesn't it? No?

Now check out his anthro-hand! You know what he's doing, don't you? He's flipping one side of his guts over so as he eats them, he turns his own guts into a Goddamn Mobius strip! What is this guy...some sort of genius?!

Oooh, damn! I might be morally compelled to take off a couple points for the poster artist not turning this ocean wave into a skull. When you're that close to having a skull made of ocean foam but you fail to follow through...

Got it! I finally found the bunny!

Conclusion: anthro-tastic! A-/B+.

AHMP: SMACKDOWN! Asylum vs. Asylum

2010-06-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

Subject: Asylum. 1972, Dir. Roy Ward Baker.

Preliminary remarks:
This week's SMACKDOWN! sees two posters for Amicus' Asylum go at it. They are identical. The same, but different. Let's join Ted as he visits Rick in his studio to discuss the changes from what should have only been a mock-up to the far superior all-color version.

ANALYSIS:

Again we see the significance of the title font, perhaps more clearly now than ever before. We go from plain white using the Impact font to all-caps using something that looks like a customized/altered Impact-esque font. If all other elements had been changed as they were but the title font left alone, we'd certainly be left wanting for more. Well done, gentlemen.

"So Rick, I was thinking. 'You have nothing to lose but your mind'. Hmmm. You think you could come up with something just a hair more...direct?" "Oh sure, Ted! I know I'll think of something sooner or later."

"Ted, this is a damn horror movie; that head needs more rope!"

"These pictures from the film itself are going to need to be in color. So why don't we give the entire thing a nice illustrative feel? Also, why don't I see scissors sticking out of this guy's chest yet? What's wrong with you Rick...what's wrong with you?"

"Oh, Rick. Rick, Rick, Rick. This isn't The Fall of the House of Usher. Even if the asylum is a metaphor for the broken minds inside the asylum, do you really have to stick the damn place right in the fucking eye socket? That's too much. Get rid of it. And the lightning? I want that gone, too."

"You see this woman, Rick? Let's get her a little more crazed-looking. Oh, and play up that jewelery. I like that. I like that a lot. Let's make it pop."

Conclusion: Amicus does it again! Solid A for the all-color piece. C for that other thing.

AHMP: Anatomy of a Psycho

2010-06-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

Subject: Anatomy of a Psycho. 1961, Dir. Boris Petroff.

Preliminary remarks:
The plot here revolves around a deranged psycho (is there any other type?) who's out for revenge against those he believes to be responsible for his brother's execution. Did I mention his brother was also a deranged psycho? Yeah. Read on for the full, raw experience.

ANALYSIS:

I like how almost all their expressions line up well with their picture's declaration in red: "Yes my friend, I have seen some raw things in my day, let me tell you. And this? This stuff here? This is damn raw. I'm sure you can tell by the steely look on my face that what I'm experiencing right now is rather raw. Raw to the max."

This guy looks fairly shocked. It's well into the exasperated 'Huh?!' range, while clearly avoiding all-out fright. I gather he either just found out what Rocky Mountain Oysters really are, or someone revealed to him that he's adopted.

This poor woman is definitely frightened. She appears to be wearing pajamas and is partially covered by a sheet while something is approaching her from above. What ever it is has got the first guy feeling raw, and the second guy kinda of shocked.

Compelling. Whoa, wait...what? Bob Denver and Soupy Sales were cloned into a single human being? I guess that qualifies...

How to Spot a Psycho 101: a psycho's eyes become randomly polygonal when he's gearing up for the kill. It's part of what psychiatrists call hesitation anxiety. Sweaty palms, shortness of breath, polygonalized corneas. All obvious signs of imminent attack. Also, this particular psycho seems to be hiding a boat in his hair.

"Aww, honey...I'm not in the mood and frankly you kinda need a shower."

"Oh, baby! You know I find that raw! And compelling! ...but to be honest, not altogether shocking. Still! It's raw!"

"Who's a ticklish boy? It's you, isn't it? Yes you are my ticklish little boy!"

Conclusion. Raw. Shocking. Compelling. Not really frightening though. C+.

AHMP: The Beyond

2010-05-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

Subject: The Beyond. 1981, Dir. Lucio Fulci.

Preliminary remarks:
Hey you krazy kult kids! Everybody grab their book of Eibon and join me as I plumb the depths of mystery contained in this, the third of Lucio Fulci's four zombie epics. Check out this TRAILER and then meet me inside for a look at that poster.

ANALYSIS:

"If, as they say, some dust thrown in my eyes will keep my talk from getting over wise, I'm not the one for putting off the proof. Let it be overwhelming, off a roof. And round a corner, blizzard snow for dust, And blind me to a standstill if it must. Whoa! Zombies!!!"
-Robert Frost

"I said stop yawning. It's contagious."

Pft. After all those warnings you gave her about that 'can be braid your hair?' trick zombies use to get to your brains, you'd think she wouldn't fall for it.

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Bullet."
"Bullet who?"
"Bullet surprise."

"In other news, the police have issued a warrant for The Beyond, who skipped town just ahead of its trial for the first degree intentional homocide of a local handyman and painter."

"At Bachmann's Pools and Spas, we're now slashng 30% off all units previously used by zombies. Stop in and get your savings today!"

Emily starts to question her decision to wear that necklace made of dog treats.

Looks like someone's about to find out that tarantulas like to surprise people by hiding in their mouth.

Conclusion: epic. A+.

AHMP: Varan the Unbelievable

2010-05-26T20:21:00.000-07:00

Subject: Varan the Unbelievable. 1962, Dir. Jerry A. Baerwitz

Preliminary remarks:
TRAILER. "Anna, now should we be this concerned about a handful of people when we might perfect something that can benefit all mankind?" Perhaps not Jim, but you should be concerned about Varan. I hear he's unbelievable, and that he punishes those who seek to know too much! It sounds like that might be you, Jim! THAT MIGHT BE YOU!

ANALYSIS:

You want unbelievable? The artist depicted this guy slipping on a banana peel. Now that's unbelievable!

Oh, thanks. I wasn't quite sure what all the ruckus was about.

Guy looks like a casino employee. "Sorry, no betting while the wheel is in motion or when Varan reaches shore. Wait, what? Varan reached shore?! EVERYBODY RUUUUN!"

There must have been a lot of banana peels on the edge of that cliff.

What's really unbelievable is that Varan just wants to play fetch.

Some of these don't even make sense! They're even used when there's clearly a sentence ending. At least they only use three at a time.

Conclusion: nifty poster...but not completley unbelievable. B.

AHMP: SMACKDOWN! Giant Behemoth vs. Giant Behemoth

2010-05-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

Subject: Giant Behemoth (aka Behemoth the Sea Monster). 1959, Dir. Douglas Hickox & Eugène Lourié.

Preliminary remarks:
We're going to examine the German and American posters for this film and see who wins. Here's a hint: the Germans have a much cooler poster. They win. TRAILER TIME!

ANALYSIS:

The German poster gets the better head. Oh wait, I just figured it out! They must have used a German-speaking Behemoth for the German language version of the film. Again, just like the 1931 Dracula where they shot English and Spanish versions back-to-back.

"So...Mr. Behemoth. I have to ask you; where were you this morning between 6:55 am and 9:00 am? Can you think of anyone who could verify your whereabouts?"

Garbage Pail Kids reference! This also explains why the vessell was named The Sicky Vicky.

I like the mix of illustration and stock photos here. Too bad I can't think of anything funny to say about it.

Are you suffering from behemoth-related joint stiffness and pain? Then try new InstaGlucosamine today! *side effects include but are not limited to the following: vomiting, screaming, shitting your pants with fear, thoughts of suicide and headache*

Shit! Two-headed cop!

Tank on a dock. Good luck with that.

There he is! I think I see the behemoth hiding behind that car! Shoot!

Giant Behemoth shakes a guy from his car to use as a human shield against man's weapons.

Conclusion: A for the German version, B- for the American version.

AHMP: Cheerleader Camp

2010-05-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

Subject: Cheerleader Camp. 1988, Dir. John Quinn.

Preliminary remarks:
Cheerleader Camp stars Betsy Russell (enjoying a bit of a career resurgence these days as Jill Tuck in the Saw sequels) and Lief Garrett as two members of a competitive cheerleading squad who go to a remote cabin to train for an upcoming event of some inconsequential sort. Cheerleaders die, skulls wink, a fat guy moons from a van and gets his ass stuck in the window, and a handful of hot late-'80s porno girls get naked.

ANALYSIS:

Give me an S
Give me an H
Give me a U
Give me a T
Give me a ...
Give me a U
Give me a P

"Your form is perfect, your cheers are well thought out, and you're all well synchronized. But your hair looks like Hell. Hey, are you winking at me?"

Having to see that face is too steep a price to pay for a glimpse of a little under-boob.

Come on, they're right there! The old two-mirror mini-periscope isn't really necessary.

That is one very high chicken.

Can't remember if this is from the scene where that girl is lying face-down dead, or lying face-down on top of some lucky guy.

Most people take their clothes off before hanging them out to dry, silly.

How can you rope in the male audience you're looking to attract if you don't mention even a single Playboy Playmate or Hustler Honey in the credits? A pre-hardcore career Teri Weigel, Rebecca Ferratti (brunette blowjob girl from Ace Ventura) and Krista Pflanzer are all here, and they all get naked.

Conclusion: 2-4-6-8, who do we decapitate? This poster! B.

AHMP: Sugar Hill

2010-05-25T20:27:00.000-07:00

Subject: Sugar Hill. 1974, Dir. Paul Maslansky.

Preliminary remarks:
Sugar Hill! The ultimate (and probably only) in voodoo zombie mafia blaxploitation films! According to the TRAILER we get an actual coming-out-of-the-ground sequence, something sadly left out of a number of otherwise good zombie flicks. Also, the story involving Sugar Hill losing her husband to roughnecks and using a witch to make some hocus pocus to raise the dead to kill those who took away her love sounds a lot like Pumpkinhead. But I doubt Sugar Hill served as the main source of inspiration there.

ANALYSIS:

"Boss, I seen it all; one-armed hit men, Russian hit men, cops-turned hit men, midget hit men, hit men posing as non-hit men hit men, I even seen a hit man eating a pickle-and-ketchup sammich. But zombie hit men? This is too much boss, too much!"

"The Bush Doctrine clearly states that hit men are to be caught/killed wherever and whenever they are. This includes going back in time to fight said hit men. Er, I mean terrorists."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X37m2AyuoKs

Zombies and the mafia not enough action for you? Well hows about some white-on-white bitch slapping? Huh?

Sugar Hill's zombie hordes are in for a surprise of their own when they find out their ranks have been infiltrated by the Hulk!

"Shit I'm bored! This whole being undead thang ain't what they cracked it up to be. They said it'd be all glitz and glamor. Sheeeeeit."

"We knight thee, white dude, into the cult of the undead."

Sugar Hill means business. She also means pleasure, as subtly indicated by her pants.

Special Guest Appearance by Lebron James, using his patented 'Voodoo Powder Bomb'.

Conclusion: the title completely gives lie to the horror content contained herein. If you're going to pick up a movie at random, don't do it based on the title; do it based on the poster content. B.

AHMP: Scream Bloody Murder

2010-05-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

Subject: Scream Bloody Murder. 1973, Dir. Marc B Ray.

Preliminary remarks:
This exploitation shocker involves a weird kid who murders his father with a tractor (a poor choice of murder weapon in my opinion, as it's very difficult to get rid of) and loses a hand in the chaos. After getting out of the nut house, he goes berserk when he discovers that mommy has remarried. It was originally released as Scream Bloody Murder, then re-released in 1974 as The Captive Female. Let's see if we can breath some fresh, fun life into the poster for this cineturd of cinematic sleaze.

ANALYSIS:

This seethingly sexist remark brought to you by: The Psychos with a Hook for a Hand Legal Defense Fund. 'Even if she wasn't asking for it, we can prove she was.'

The egg beater attachment screened poorly with both pirates and pro-life test audiences.

Yowza! This example of the erect nipple trick must have been condoned by women this time in order to get guys into theaters and then make them feel all bad when the poor woman spends most of the film being raped.

Well that's good that the artist here wasn't all exploitative by providing a crotch shot. That just would have been too much.

Just hold still, baby. You got something in your nose.

Remember ladies; when he asks you if you want to "see Mother's butter knife collection," he's not so much asking you as he is telling you.

Movie Trivia: Did you know that the estate of Alfred Hitchcock gets $1 for every time the swinging-light-bulb-on-a-chain trick is used? Everybody steals it from the end of Psycho. It may have been used earlier, but not to greater effect.

Yet another disappointing human kite experiment gone wrong.

Conclusion. Low marks on the use of color, high marks on composition and exploitation. Points off for the rope frame. Makes it feel too cowboy-like. C+/B-.

AHMP: Creature with the Atom Brain

2010-05-24T14:52:00.000-07:00

Subject: Creature with the Atom Brain. 1955, Dir. Edward L. Cahn.

Preliminary remarks:
Gothic horror's first wave of popularity pretty much ended with the end of the second world war. With the advent of nuclear weapons and the corresponding dread they induced, studios eventually figured they needed a way to give people their horror fix, but with a space-aged, fascist twist. Thus the glut of sci-fi/horror films that populated drive-in screens from the late 40s through the 60s. Here, a monster named Dave (not kidding, kids) stalks the night. He's a dead Dave, reanimated by Nazi scientists and remotely-controlled...for terror! Dave is the creature...the creature with the atom brain.

ANALYSIS:

Well, this is likely a damn short movie. With such a small brain, it should be easy to defeat him. An atomic brain on the other hand...forget it! You'd be screwed.

Meet Dave. He's our Creature with the Atom Brain. Dave is for people who cannot comprehend the sheer terror of a poorly dressed man with messier scars. Think of Dave as Frankenstein-lite.

Based on 'scientific facts'. You mean like cold fusion and ghost hunting? Count me in. I'll buy anything. You got a bridge? I'm in the market. Let's go. Scientific. Pft. More like scienterrific!

Helen! Damn you! We were warned that regular flossing sets the creature into a rage! Knock it off!

Uh...hello, is this 911? I'm calling from my atomic phone to report atomic danger of an atomic magnitude. Hello?

The Creature with the Atom Brain: with hilarious cameos by the Three Stooges as hazardous waste disposal technicians!

Gentlemen! Be on the lookout for subliminal atomic breast fondling! You won't believe your atom eyes!

Conclusion: Not too shabby. C+.

AHMP: Torture Garden

2010-05-24T14:51:00.001-07:00

Subject: Torture Garden. 1967, Dir. Freddie Francis.

Preliminary remarks:
Torture Garden (TRAILER HERE) features Burgess Meredith as Dr. Diablo, curator of the roving Torture Garden, an exhibit which has the ability to lay bare the greed and evil deeds of those who dare enter. The poster, while nice, isn't the big visual feast we're used to here, but there are some insights to be gained therein.

ANALYSIS:

In art the marionette is a symbol of mechanization, objectification, and subservience. Here it is no different. Luckily, they were able to find an actress who played along with the notion -unlike Ted Wendell, the midget I went to high school with. Boy, did he get pissed when he found out one of us was walking behind him while holding a ruler a few feet above his head.

This cat got its ass kicked in the Torture Garden when it was revealed it was he who had spun all the toilet paper off the roll while the family was on vacation last week.

Note to self: if you see a Murphy bed in the Torture Garden, avoid laying down on it at all costs. Especially if they place a warning skull underneath it to begin with.

No matter how tightly I zoom in on this blond, I cannot tell if her expression is supposed to be that of fright or embarrassment. I shall decide that she is frightened of being embarrassed, like when you feel a fart coming on that you just cannot stop. Or piss shivers.

Goatee and a top hat? Good thing they named him Dr. Diablo, because I was so close to mistaking him for Uncle Sam.

Even inanimate objects are not immune! The greed and hidden evil deeds of this piano shall be revealed when it visits the Torture Garden!

Conclusion: Well composed, well executed. A few interesting things to consider. B+/A- mainly for artistic merit.

AHMP: Deadly Mantis

2010-05-24T14:51:00.000-07:00

Subject: Deadly Mantis. 1957, Dir. Nathan Juran.

Preliminary remarks:
The film itself features a giant mantis released from icy bondage and which -like the regular mantis with which we're all familiar- emits a horrifying, deafening roar. I'm sure we can learn more by looking closely at the poster.

ANALYSIS:

Insider Movie Trivia: if they didn't realize they could do this with an M, we'd all be looking at a poster for The Deadly Cactus.

He's thinking: 'Thanks a lot, Deadly Mantis. Now she'll never shut up.' She's thinking: 'Yes! This must be a promo for a sale on all mantis-related goodies at Boston Store! Squee!' The battle of the sexes rages on.

This seems vaguely familiar. Possibly derivative. But of what though? Oh of course! There was that one movie where Ernest Borgnine climbs the side of a Dunkin' Donuts to break in while they're closed.

Somebody hear an echo in here?

This was changed after "shit ton of horror" was found to be ineffective at producing the proper response of total terror.

Clenched fist is a symbol of solidarity against giant mantises world-wide.

In this month's issue of Model Railroader, we visit the garage of Deadly Mantis to take a look at his O-scale reconstruction of the Soo Line! See pg. 46.

Pft. There' a difference between being trapped by science and getting plastered during a night on the town, then falling off a skyscraper.

Conclusion: classic -if derivative- poster for a derivative film. B-.

AHMP: Die Sister, Die!

2010-05-19T23:07:00.000-07:00

Subject: Die Sister, Die! 1972, Dir. Randall Hood.

Preliminary remarks:
Amanda price is ailing. Her loving brother Edward has hired a nurse to help care for her...care for her to death! Unlike the poster, Amanda Price is middle-aged; not the young, nubile coed pictured. What other secrets does the poster possess? We find out now. Side note: the trailer (CLICK HERE) has a great voice over and features this fantastically delivered quote: "Why should you be frightened, my child?" Announcer: "Because Amanda Price is afraid to 'die sister, die!'" Priceless!

ANALYSIS:

I'm tiring of this cliche very quickly. For once, I'd like to see a fully-clothed woman of impeccable moral integrity kick some ass in a horror movie poster. If only Christians would heed God's call to make more horror films.

And you can be sure as shit that Christians wouldn't let anyone get away with putting this crap on a poster. Instead, there would be a fully-clothed woman of impeccable moral integrity shoving an abortion doctor or sex-ed teacher off that balcony!

What do I see here? A giant bird feeder attached to the house? Again, a fully-clothed woman of impeccable moral integrity would know such things are flat out impermissible according to the book of Leviticus, which clearly states "And he that hath sown a giant bird feeder upon his own house shall reap death."

Christians also know that a fully-clothed woman of impeccable moral integrity would correctly cloister herself in her house and not engage in such audacious, sexually-flamboyant activity as leaving the curtains open. You're practically inviting God to watch you wallow in sin!

Totally unrealistic. I can buy the arms coming out of the middle of the wall, but up top? No way. Too much effort. Also, they look a little disembodied. Like disembodied arms of unholy, soul-burning sin!

Four. That's the number. Very important in Christian symbolism. There's the 'four rivers of Paradise' in Gen 2:10, the 'four winds of Heaven' in Ezek 37:9 & Dan 7:2, the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' in the book of Revelation, and who can forget the '4-for-1 Bulk Discount on Plagues' from II Corinthians.

Conclusion: Pretty decent poster. I wouldn't kick it out of bed, but I might have to have a couple drinks before I'd take it home. C+.

AHMP: The Vampire Lovers

2010-05-19T23:06:00.000-07:00

Subject: The Vampire Lovers. 1970, Dir. Roy Ward Baker.

Preliminary remarks:
The groovy trailer for this American International Pictures gem (CLICK HERE) has some nice over-the-top moments, like at 1:06. Just wait for it instead of skipping to it. It's better in context. And the poster contains some significantly different imagery than we're used to. Let's look inside....but be careful! Cover up your young, tender throat before you proceed into the darkness!

ANALYSIS:

We begin our journey with at least a minor change of pace from the typical misogynistic damsel-in-distress tableaux to a man-in-distress for this poster. I don't think I buy it though. If I were about to be ravaged by some sexy vampire girls, I'd probably just go with it. When they're all up on my neck, you can bet I'd cop a feel. Last chance, so why not? Say, is that guy missing an eye?

Proof: women like nipples, too. I'm surprised they didn't put a thin shirt on the guy in order to display his nipples poking through like you see with so many females in other horror movie posters. Well, you might be appealing to more of a niche audience with that stuff.

When assembling a horde of vampire lovers, it's imperative that your bevy of undead beauties be color-coded so you can remember who you just fed and who still needs to be fed.

Whoa! Dance party! It's like the single-file dance line they used to do on Soul Train. "All the ladies put your Dracula hands in the air! Gimme a 'Heeey!' Gimme a 'Ho-ooo!'"

I hope they let this guy take a leak before they drain his other veins.

Avoiding type-casting: you're doing it wrong.

But if you're physically immature, this movie is perfect for you. Clumsy people with poorly developed motor skills get in free Friday nights before 10pm.

Conclusion; a little colorful for a horror movie poster, but this was the end of the 60s/beginning of the 70s. B-.

AHMP: Deathmaster

2010-05-19T23:05:00.000-07:00

Subject: Deathmaster. 1972, Dir. Ray Danton.

Preliminary remarks:
Deathmaster is...a baboon? No, fret not. The Deathmaster is none less than Robert Quarry and his incredible facial hair. Story revolves around a group of way-too-gullible-for-their-age hippies seeking a mentor which they find in Quarry's Khorda, a vampire. The trailer (CLICK HERE) is less stellar than the poster though...

ANALYSIS:

"Say, have you met the new Deathmaster? So dreamy! I like him a lot more than that old, dumb Deathmaster we had."

Whenever I see a guy with a purple face and fangs, I want to say to him, "One, blah. Two, blah blah. Three, blah blah blah..."

Typical vampire team-building exercise where one vampire falls backwards and the other vampires have to catch them. Essential cult-building technique.

I remember once when I was about seven years old I was at a funhouse looking at the mirrors that distort your height and proportions. I had just moved on to the one that made you look normal and said to the person next to me, "Hey, you look all little!" I look next to me and what do I see? A midget. Whoops.

Much like the sting of the scorpion, the sting of a vampire's fangs is often fatal. And also like the scorpion, a vampire is usually an eight-legged arthropod with an elongated body, an exoskeleton, and has a tail containing a venomous tip. The parallels are so obvious, they invite themselves.

Poorly rendered Deathmaster skull. Like I said earlier, it looks like a baboon. So I'm sure you'll be as shocked as I was to learn that baboons draw the best Deathmaster skulls you've ever seen.

Conclusion: All the elements are there, but this poster ends up looking more like a failed wallpaper pattern. Also, points off for the random capitalization of the G in 'grave'. C-.

AHMP: Dracula has Risen from the Grave

2010-05-19T23:04:00.000-07:00

Subject: Dracula has Risen from the Grave. 1968, Dir. Freddie Francis.

Preliminary remarks:
DhRftG is a Solid entry into the Hammer Horror Dracula franchise with Christopher Lee reprising his role as the Dark Lord once again. AKA Dracula Hides in a Bakery. TRAILER

ANALYSIS:

"Damnit! You kids stay off my lawn!"

"Your lingerie disgusts me."

Horror movie poster font failure. This ain't the old west, and you're not in a saloon. Knock it the fuck off.

Ahhh, good ol' Rupert Davies. Perfect for playing a stuck up, asshole Priest. So good at it, so infuriatingly pompous in his assholishenss was he, that it's surprising that only two years earlier they had employed the incredible Andrew Kier to play Father Sandor in Dracula: Prince of Darkness. Father Sandor was a large, robust, awesome type of Priest, one who kicked ass for the Lord looong before Father McGruder would have even graduated from seminary. Down with Rupert Davies, up with Andrew Kier!

"Wanna come over to my place later? You can bring some friends because my face seats five."

See? This is why we can't have nice things.

Conclusion: Above average. Has all the elements, but there are some composition-related difficulties up top with the gold bar not having been pulled off well and the font at the bottom is all wrong. Still, pretty cool. B.

AHMP: Blood of the Vampire

2010-05-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

Subject: Blood of the Vampire. 1958, Dir. Henry Cass.

Preliminary remarks:
Blood of the Vampire isn't actually about a vampire. It's about one Dr. Callistratus who's own research on blood has led to his own blood eventually breaking down into a completely incompatible blood type, and he needs the help of others (mainly their blood) to find a means of survival, before all his blood more or less burns off. He gets killed by prison dogs. Wanna look at the poster? So glad you asked...

ANALYSIS:

Got it! I found the giant cricket! Okay, where's my $5k? Seriously.

"Last week you fellas cremated a mannequin. Yesterday, Cletus tried embalming someone with moonshine when he ran out of formaldehyde. And now today you dig the hole too short for the coffin? Come on guys, get your head in the game. You're killing me here."

The contract with Eastman stipulates that the bottom third of certain movie posters using Eastman color be washed out with a neon version of Kodak Yellow.

For years now, I've indulged my voyeuristic tendencies by walking everywhere with a mobile window/wall unit behind which I hide half my face. It's like I'm spying on everyone!

"My shrink told me if I'm having troubles with talking to women, I need an icebreaker. So I brought along a couple sketches I done. This first one is a cop about to let the dogs out. This other one is a guy gettin' whipped across the back. They say you gotta paint what you know, right? So...you wanna be my girlfriend?"

Conclusion: Not bad. Not bad at all. B-.

AHMP: The Thrill Killers

2010-05-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

Subject: The Thrill Killers (aka The Maniacs are Loose). 1964, Dir. Ray Dennis Steckler.

Preliminary remarks:
We've got a seriously inept but curious-looking poster here.

ANALYSIS:

TMTDNR! TMTDNR! TMTDNR!

They even use subliminal text to get inside the head speaking of head how about a blowjob it's been a while of the viewers. Highly effective.

One man's terrible idea is another man's innovation. Like breakfast and dinner on-the-go with Apple-Cinnamon Bagel cheeseburger Hot Pockets or something.

Sheila reacts to the horror of seeing someone signing on to do this piece of crap.

"And if you cannot find an escort, you can chill in my van until the movie is over. It's out in the far corner of the parking lot away from the lights so you can catch some shut eye."

Ormond's real name is Norm, and Ormond is actually an anagram for 'Do Norm'. That's how he gets the chicks and they don't even know it. That is kind of amazing after all.

Conclusion: C+/B-. I really cannot afford to be bothered to say any more.

AHMP: Santo & Blue Demon vs. Dracula & The Wolfman

2010-05-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

Subject: Santo & Blue Demon vs. Dracula & The Wolfman. 1973, Dir. Miguel M. Delgado.

Preliminary remarks:
Wow. *sighs*

ANALYSIS:

Geez, you don't have to lean in that close, Santo. I'm sure the lady agrees. She seems to be wearing that classic Goddamnit-Santo-you-reek-of-sweat-and-monsters-again expression.

Santo says, "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose...and right now, I'm going to try to pick Dracula's nose."

You have to understand, the bond between Santo and Blue Demon is so strong that sometimes, you cannot tell where one ends and the other begins. Such is the nature of all of history's greatest tag-teams. Riggs and Murtaugh, Bert and Ernie, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, cabbage and liver, you name it.

Steel buckshot-filled tactical self-defense knee pads. Classic monster fighting equipment, and pretty handy in the ring, too.

Santo demonstrates his well-honed 'German Suplex w/Wooden Stake' finishing move on Dracula.

Blue Demon fends off an aerial attack launched from the ropes by a flying Wolfman.

I have no idea what sort of wrestling move this is but at first glance, it seems extremely illegal.

Conclusion: Light on horror, heavy on wrestling. C+/B-.

AHMP: Hillbillys in a Haunted House

2010-05-14T21:02:00.000-07:00

Subject: Hillbillys in a Haunted House. 1967, Dir. Jean Yarbrough.

Preliminary remarks:
In the 1940's and 1950's, Gene Autry did something very similar to what you see here: drag his band into a shit ton of films they have no business being in. About 93 in fact. And in nearly every case, it's a blend of country-western music meets crime drama or something to that effect. These never blended well, and when the boys weren't playing full-length songs, they were wasting action scenes making Autry look like a hero. Terrible films, every one of them. At least, the three I've seen. We have the same formula on hand here.

ANALYSIS:

How does one generate that warm, inviting "Fuck you for paying to see this" feeling for the audience? Guy in a gorilla suit. It happened in Captive Wild Woman (1943), Monsters Crash the Pajama Party (1965), and it's happening here.

I never was able to speak 4-H or State Fair lingo. Anyone want to try translating for me?

Fixed.

The haunted house sued to have its name pulled from the title upon seeing the dailys toward the end of production. The house lost. Come to think of it, everybody lost.

Here you can clearly see John Carradine and Basil Rathbone running for their careers. Lon Chaney would have joined them, but was too drunk to keep up.

"Oh yeah, in case you even care, this movie also has some actors in it. I think I might have seen these guys somewhere."

Conclusion: Light on the horror, heavy on the hillbilly. C-.

AHMP: House on Haunted Hill (1959)

2010-05-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

Subject: House on Haunted Hill. 1959, Dir. William Castle.

Preliminary remarks:
If the poster for 1960's Fall of the House of Usher is a near perfect representation of what a horror movie poster should look like featuring the inside of a house, then this piece for House on Haunted Hill represents the same for depicting the outside of a house.

ANALYSIS:

Pft. I can't believe this guy fell for the classic 'trap-door-above-a-vat-of-boiling-acid' fraternity prank. What a jerk. No pledge worth their salt would ever fall for that. Membership: DENIED!

Pft. I can't believe this girl fell for the classic 'hanged-from-a-noose-by-a-four-story-skeleton' sorority prank. What a loser. No pledge worth their salt would ever fall for that. Membership: DENIED!

Look at you! Now that you've hanged her, you have no idea what you're going to do with that thing, do you? Plan ahead next time so you don't end up standing there with your thumb up your ass. Big dummy.

Haha, I get it: Robb White, white eyes, severed head. Clever.

"Do you think this is all a little over-the-top? I mean the girl on the noose, the vat of acid trick, and this severed head in my hand. It all seems to be a bit much, don't you think? I don't want people getting the wrong idea about me. I'm more an art-lover at heart, not so much the 'guy-who-carries-around-a-severed-head' type, you know."

Conclusion: Phantasmagorically fantastic. A+!

AHMP: Fall of the House of Usher (1960)

2010-05-13T17:02:00.000-07:00

Subject: Fall of the House of Usher. 1960, Dir. Roger Corman.

Preliminary remarks:
This poster is a near-perfect representation of what a horror movie poster should be. Let's belittle it in an effort to regain our shattered nerves!

ANALYSIS:

Fall of the House of Usher: made for white people by white people.

"I'd love to join you guys in the crypt, but since I only have one leg, I think I'm gonna rest this one out and lean here against the wall. I'm damn near exhausted from all that hopping."

Wanted: Glass Coffin now accepting applications for non-obvious witticisms to be used in satire piece about horror movie posters. 'Tomb-with-a-view' jokes need not apply.

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"What?"
"What who?"
"WHAT the Hell do you mean you buried me alive?! WHAT the Hell is wrong with you?!"

Your Vincent Price Horrorscope!
"Tonight, the stars predict a major shift in momentum at work for you. Take things at your own pace and trust the details will iron themselves out. Also, I may bury you alive. Not sure yet. Your lucky lotto numbers are 6-35-25-9-15-17."

Movie Trivia! Sisters named Madeline have proven 100% lethal to Vincent Price in all films in which he interacts with a sibling named Madeline.

More Movie Trivia! In a rare deleted scene recently restored on DVD, this oil-soaked hair jumps off his head and uses its sideburns to run into the fireplace, burning the whole damn joint to the ground.

Conclusion: I like everything I'm seeing here. They even remembered the cobwebs. A.

AHMP: Goliathon (Mighty Peking Man)

2010-05-12T12:35:00.000-07:00

Subject: Goliathon (aka Mighty Peking Man). 1977, Dir. Meng Hua Ho.

Preliminary remarks:
Mighty Peking Man has a reputation as being one of the top unintentionally funny films of all time. What it is, is a Honk Kong ripoff of King Kong complete with 10-story tall monster, skyscraper climbing and a love interest for Mighty Peking Man himself (hereafter referred to as Goliathon). Except here, the girl (Ah Wei -swinging vine girl from the poster) was raised by Goliathon who gets awfully pissed when he's taken to put on display and separated from her.

ANALYSIS:

They thought no one would go to a movie with a guy in a dark brown ape suit, so the poster gets this Aryan Yeti instead. They'd be right, but for completely different reasons. Damn racists.

Oh how I love this font! Far better use of the carved-from-stone-look than The Land that Time Forgot. This is downright epic.

Here's a rendition of an accident that befell the crew when they were trying to make the letter I. I like that there's already a red arrow pointing to this guy's impending death. Half the work here was done for me.

Ah, yes. Another example of the ol' "erect nipple gets 'em every time" trope used to herd males into the theater. There's actually a point to having the girl take up so much real estate here; she's actually central to the 'plot'.

Not sure if she's got a really strong back, or if the beast is just a taxidermied neck warmer.

Genuis! I love that the artist painted in the element of surprise about to hit the last two guys on the safety line.

It's all fun and games until someone crashes the plane.

It's all fun and games until the python fights the panther. Then it's just plain awesome!

It's all fun and games until you drown in that sinkhole filled with urine.

It's all fun and games until the tiger tears your hunting partner to shreds before your permanently horrified eyes.

Conclusion: This poster is filled with action... excitement... spectacle beyond my wildest dreams! A.

AHMP: Wolf

2010-05-11T18:58:00.000-07:00

Subject: Wolf. Year and director unknown. Some time in the 80's.

Preliminary remarks:
I instantly knew I'd have to do an AHMP entry on this incredible poster for Wolf, which hails from Thailand. After an hour searching, I haven't been able to find anything on the movie itself (doesn't seem to be listed in IMDb either), except that it was done sometime in the 80's.

ANALYSIS:

"Oh, hello! And welcome to our movie, 'Wolf'. We hope you enjoy it, and if you have any questions please feel free to call the 'Wolf' customer service hotline anytime twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Thank you again for watching 'Wolf'."

It seems they couldn't afford to get Phyllis Diller for this film, so they just put a wig on this guy and gave him a pipe.

Naked women with mist-covered breasts are a critical, long-standing part of Thai werewolf mythology.

Earliest known depiction of Mac fanboys. Still unknown how this serves the film.

Small, bite-sized snack to help Wolf power through his busy night.

Guns don't kill people, werewolves with guns kill people. As much as I love this, I feel they missed the boat with this element. I don't know how it plays out in the film itself but if I did the poster, I'd have shown him actually holding the gun up to aim and fire it, muzzle blast and all. Or perhaps squeezing off some fantastic hip shots.

In Thailand, due to sexist disparities in income, women often have to take to moonlighting to pay the bills. For example; this gal is a morning radio DJ by day, and a Daisy Duke-wearing werewolf hunter by night.

According to early American folklore, one way to identify a werewolf is by hairy palms and a unibrow. In Thailand, it's the guy with a wolf's head growing out of the side of his human head.

Conclusion: Good thing the poster can stand on its own two legs, because I cannot decide if not knowing more about this film helps or hurts the cause. A-. I'd have scored it higher if there were gore. Great composition, interesting content, excellent execution. A keeper for sure.

AHMP: SMACKDOWN! The Land that Time Forgot vs. The Land that Time Forgot

2010-05-10T09:52:00.000-07:00

Subject: The Land that Time Forgot. 1975, Dir. Kevin Connor.

Preliminary remarks:
Any site that does commentary on monster movie posters sooner or later has to face The Land that Time Forgot. I'm proud to say that we got around to it sooner. An incredible cinematic journey demands an incredible poster. And here we get two! We've got a fair bit to tackle here, so here we go...

ANALYSIS:

What can be learned from this poster? For one, cavemen apparently had huge balls. They needed to back then, but these guys come off as flat out foolhardy. You've got a Triceratops and two T-Rexes comin' straight at you, and only one of them is distracted. Good luck with that.

Hunting this guy would be way easier. Look at how high he is! I know everything was bigger in prehistoric times, so just imagine the size of the joint that gave this dude a contact high!

An underwater T-Rex. Huh. And you just know this guy is thinking to himself, "Peek-a-boo! You can't see T-Rex, but T-Rex can see you! Hey, if I close my eyes my head will look like a big rock! Then when they get close I can open them and be all like, RRRRAAARGHGHGH! That'll show 'em."

Not really sure how you could forget it, given that it's carved into the side of this mountain like a giant guilt trip. "Woe is me! Nobody ever remembers or thinks about me. I haven't gotten flowers in ages! All I do is cook and clean. It's like I'm invisible around here!" Shut up.

Nothing says "Oh crap, busted" when checking out a lady's exposed bra strap like this guy's face. Nothing.

Swordfight! Swordfight!

Incredible! There's a TV on the outside of the vessel showing what's going on inside the vessel! It would have almost been less trouble to just put a window there. And the guy in the inset is all like, "Oh come on! Turn on ESPN or something. I've seen all this crap before. I'd even rather watch Around the Horn or Sports Nation and that says a lot!" Indeed it does, underwater TV watching guy, indeed it does.

I really want an underwater apartment. Even if I have to steal it from the Nazis, and this appears to be a Nazi vessel in one of the posters. That's what the front end of this sub reminds me of. But screw that octopus, man. Damn face-hugger would freak me out, staring into my windows all night like that. He'd be out there licking his lips and thinking, "Maybe not tonight, maybe not even next week. But soon, my friend. Soon."

Conclusion: A+! Damn fine couple of posters with some unexpected content. That's why we're here.

AHMP: Grizzly

2010-05-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

Subject: Grizzly. 1976, Dir. William Girdler.

Preliminary remarks:
Grizzly is the film most people think of when it comes to Jaws ripoffs on land. In fact, for William Girdler, this is his definitive derivative work. And I don't really mean derivative in the strictly pejorative sense either. Girdler films are dearly beloved by those who 'get them'. Watching the film is a lot like witnessing a live-action version of the poster, whose elements mirror it exactly. So let's get to it, gang...

ANALYSIS:

This film is shamelessly derivative. It even references Jaws right in the poster. Still, having seen the film myself about five times, I just cannot bring myself to lay into him for taking this route.

I'm pretty sure this actually refers to the crane they used for POV shots, not Grizzly himself. Shhh...I didn't tell you.

'Compels'? Oh, I get it... "Ladies, ladies! I, Grizzly, compel you to heed my words: danger is afoot! Specifically, this foot, whose paw I will now use to bitch slap you from here to eternity." Seriously, there's a scene early on where Grizzly administers what can only be called a series of bitch slaps to one of these lovely ladies. Complete with swooshing swipe sound! It's moments like this that compel me to so highly recommend this film to others.

I see how he operates; first he instills fear into the ladies to get them aroused. Then he climaxes them...whatever that would mean for a bear. I'm so going to try that on my next date. When she swoons into my arms, I'll say, "Woman, everything I'm going to do to you I learned from Grizzly."

Yes, a real live beast that will use his slick words to compel you right into his mouth! "Tally ho! You, up there! Yes you, sir! I beseech thee, let thine self down from this fire hazard of a tower! Can you not see? 'Tis totally composed of WOOD -wood that shall surely burn, for I sense danger approaching. Here, let me help disassemble this towering inferno before it catches fire, and help whisk you away to safety. I said come down here, dammit!" Yes, compelling indeed.

Whoops -I'm sure they meant to say, "Grizzly compels a stranded helicopter with all its gut-crunching fury!"

Conclusion: I myself feel compelled to rate this poster a solid B for Grizzly's overwhelming concern for the other people on hand, and for fear of his afore-mentioned gut-crunching fury.

AHMP: Blood Bath

2010-05-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

Subject: Blood Bath. 1966, Dir. Jack Hill.

Blood Bath (aka Track of the Vampire) owes a lot to 1959's Bucket of Blood; it's basically Bucket of Blood with a vampire. Local beatnik artists envy the abilities of one Tony Sordi, who just may in fact be the reincarnated vampire version of an ancestor (Erno Sordi) burned at the stake for conspiring with the Devil. Tony murders the girls who model for him and then boils their bodies in some sort of acid bath...not an actual blood bath, as the poster indicates. It's a charming, if derivative, little venture. Let's take a look at the poster...

ANALYSIS:

For starters, I've got to say you guys at American International Pictures are taking this whole 'blood bath' thing a little too literally. It means more 'bathed in blood' like you're all messy with blood, rather than an actual bath of blood per se. But if you have to do it this way, at least you guys beat Eli Roth to it by a few decades before Hostel II.

The blood bath itself. Holy shit, this isn't just a blood bath, it seems to be actually boiling! I enjoy overkill, but this is just a little ridiculous if you ask me. First, you go to the trouble of constructing an actual blood bath...then you bother to boil it? That's gotta smell just great, too. Oh wait, maybe it's just bubbles because it's actually a blood jacuzzi. Maybe these girls aren't in any trouble after all. This could be a great big party for all we know now. To each their own, I guess. Different strokes for different folks. That's cool, I don't judge. Go enjoy your blood jacuzzi.

The boobs are on display...ohhhh, yeah. This is definitely a party.

I guess if this were an actual boiling blood bath this green-haired raver-girl would look more concerned. She's all like, "Do my tits look okay? I wanna win the wet t-shirt contest."

Look! A DJ spinning tracks and a one girl impromptu dance party! Woot! Woot! Go girl, it's your birthday! Put yer hands in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care!

Okay - in all seriousness, this is more likely to be an actual boiling blood bath. If that's the case, we need to figure out how to save these hotties. I've got it! Ladies, quick! Pool your resources and toss all your tampons into the blood bath! See? Problem solved.

Conclusion: this poster contains all the necessary elements to be associated with something of cult status, even if the film itself didn't fare so well. For composition, originality and content, I give the poster for Blood Bath a solid B+/A-.

AHMP: APE

2010-05-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

Subject: A*P*E. 1976, Dir. Paul Leder.

Preliminary remarks:
No relation to the exactly same-themed King Kong (also 1976) with Jeff Bridges and Jessica Lange, A*P*E truly apes its competition in an attempt to cash in on derivative filmmaking. Here's what we can learn about this film from its poster...

ANALYSIS:

SEE! a film that is completely self-aware and very sorry for it! This might as well have said, "You sure you wanna see this? Hold on; it's not what you think it is. We just don't want you to be mad when you get in there and get all disappointed and shit. We're so sorry we even made this film. God forgive us for what we have done."

SEE! the title spelled out in fur.

SEE! this film reference another box office hit with all caps! SEE! A*P*E battle existential disbelief as he begins to fathom what it means for his place in cinematic history when he's forced to fight enemies with such boring names as Giant Shark and Monster Reptile!

SEE! Monster Reptile just minding his own business slithering around when he suddenly becomes a victim of A*P*E's existential woes!

SEE! Giant Shark screaming, "Shit mang! Ah can't breath! Lemme go for fuck's sake, bruh! Put me back in tha waterrrrr!""

SEE! this low rent Fay Wray/Jessica Lange stand-in turn away from the poster, writhing in agony at what she'll do to pay the damn rent!

Conclusion: B-. Cool poster. It's got some stuff going on, it's well designed, but not enough that it's truly over-the-top with ridiculousness.

AHMP: Evil Dead II

2010-05-03T18:20:00.000-07:00

Subject: Evil Dead II. 1987, Dir. Sam Raimi.

Preliminary remarks:
It is customary in Ghana, Africa to hand paint posters for the rare film that comes their way. This is evidenced by tonight's subject for analysis, Evil Dead II. Trust me when I say by the end of this, you won't be able to tell the difference between the above poster and a photograph.

ANALYSIS:

??? Remember in 1931 when Universal filmed two versions of Dracula back-to-back, one in English, the other in Spanish? Apparently they did the same here, with Sylvester Stallone standing in for Bruce Campbell in the African version.

I'll admit I'm no physician but as of late, I've been working out a lot. And I can tell you with a fairly high degree of certainty that this man has muscles that do not exist on human beings. These abs resemble the St. Louis Arch.

Nice drop shadow.

As I walk the Earth (like Kane in Kung Fu), I come across a great many people. Most of them wearing pants. Men, women, even babies. Pants for all. There are certain rules one follows in two-dimensional design. There is a certain logic to it, too. An example follows: Many of these pants I see often have some folds or wrinkles in them. I would want to portray this in my paintings, so as to achieve some semblance of realism. It follows then, that if I include a great many wrinkles, that I come closer to achieving something resembling hyper-realism. See? Easy. Also, is his shirt made of seaweed? Maybe wet cabbage?

Now that you've achieved hyper-realism with the clothing and an amazing likeness of Sylvester Stallone with the face, don't drop the ball now! Keep going and apply similar techniques while painting the mountains, keeping your photographic illusion consistent.

If you have never seen a chainsaw in real life, it's probably best to just paint the basic shapes you see when looking at the original artwork. You cannot go wrong with this method. Just look at the results!

This will certainly seem counterintuitive, but if you have managed to get that hyper-realistic method down pat, it's actually perfectly fine to forgo certain other details since you know the viewer is likely already in awe at your artistic command of the brush. Don't bother filling in the rest of that arm...you simply don't need to!

Finally, when you're finished, don't forget to sign that highly collectible work of art. After all, you're probably only going to do 25 of these rice bag paintings per film. Now that's what I call a limited edition! God speed, Princess Osu. God Speed.

AHMP: The Killing of Satan

2010-05-03T15:48:00.000-07:00

Subject: The Killing of Satan. 1983, Dir. Efren C. Piñon.

Preliminary remarks:
The Killing of Satan hails from the Philippines and to the best of my knowledge, has not yet been released on DVD here in the states. I've only been able to view it in chunks on YouTube, but I understand one might still be able to find it on VHS from Paragon Video from when it was released in 1985. Let's take a look inside, shall we?

ANALYSIS:

Contrary to the promises the poster delivers, the film itself is of the lowest of quality. And thank God for that! I'm sure none of you out there in the tubes were expecting The Omen or The Exorcist to come out of the Philippines. In a cinematic world where unintentional humor is the norm, one needs to correctly adjust expectations. Here, Satan looks more like a Telemundo comedy offering than a demonic force with which to be reckoned. I prefer this look.

I think our protagonist Lando's clothing deserves close scrutiny to see if he's up to the job of actually killing Satan.

His jeans are ripped. This is one of Lando's nonverbal ways of communicating to Satan, "Look, I've been through Hell (!) already and I'm still coming for more! If I'm not concerned about my jeans, do you honestly think I'm concerned about you? NOW I KILL YOU, SATAN!"

Not only is his shirt ripped, but his sleeves are rolled up. Nothing says 'time to get down to business' like rolled up shirt sleeves. I know; I watch election campaigns closely. Politicians frequently employ this tactic (I'm of the opinion that it is a tactic regardless of whether conditions actually warrant the rolling up of said sleeves).

Lando has a mustache! Speaking of nonverbal communication, nothing says you're a badass like a thick, bushy mustache. A man retains some level of badassery regardless of what he's wearing if he has one. Lando could be dressed for a game of cricket and he'd still elicit at least a tinge of testosterone-induced fear in his rival. Here, he'd be playing cricket with Satan. Except instead of killing him on the green, Lando's there to kill him period.

Apparently, Lando's unique brand of Jedi mind tricks is working on Satan because he's sending out four henchpersons to do battle with Lando instead! Nevermind for a moment that without them the movie would be rather short. Who's all here...a ghost lady to tempt him away from his goal, a vicious Hell hound, a giant snake, and...a mummy? Hell has mummys? At this point, you should know better than to ask. As for me, I'd just roll with it.

About that ghost lady. Presuming she's there to tempt him away from killing Satan, what do you think it'd be like to bang a ghost? Given the ectoplasm, I imagine it's a lot like putting your dick in a bowl of wet macaroni...looser macaroni than a living lady, because ghost ladies are more loosely composed. I can't wait to bang a ghost lady some day. But since ghosts are ghosts of dead people by definition, I'd warm that shit up in a microwave first. Then bang it.

Did you know the Killing of Satan was so popular that it spawned a sequel? Check out the poster below...

AHMP: Crocodile

2010-05-02T18:55:00.000-07:00

Subject: Crocodile. 1981, Dir. Sompote Sands.

Preliminary remarks:
Crocodile is brought to us from Thailand. First, we'll make a couple aesthetic observations about the poster itself. Then, we'll move on to take a look at what sort of diet a building-sized crocodile demands.

ANALYSIS:

The poster's border consists in three straight edges, the one on the right being broken, along with the entire bottom edge of the composition. I think this is a nice touch. There was already plenty going on here, and the additional 'outside the box' thinking just makes it that much more interesting. Whenever I see an artist do something like this, I feel it spells love.

So just what exactly does a giant crocodile eat? Let's take a look at the types of people this particular guy has taken a shine to:

The 'Boogie Man' type. This guy has his Dracula hand raised so as to further communicate fear, but I'm pretty sure he's doing it wrong; the Dracula hand is for the party instilling the fear, not the one receiving it. The Dracula hand makes one more appearance in this poster, and I'll even give you a clue later on. Can you find it? Yes, I do believe you can.

The 'Redundant Limb' type. I once saw an episode of The Crocodile Hunter where Steve Irwin said crocs love people with two right arms. I always thought he was so full of shit...until I saw this! Looks like somebody else knows his way to a crocodile's heart.

The 'Old Pro'. This guy is just chillin here in the mouf waiting to get chewed up. He's done this before. Everybody knows a guy like this, the kind of guy who gets eaten every weekend. No biggie. He'll be back again next week to do it all over again.

The 'Singing While I Die' type. I can only see her from the neck up, but if she be singin', I'll bet you she fat.

The 'One Last Look Up That Chick's Skirt' type. Look, you're about to get eaten by a giant crocodile. What are you going to be looking at? The crocodile, or hoping to catch your last ever glimpse of a girl with no panties on? It's good to see a man with his head screwed on straight.

The 'Annoyingly Persistent' type. This guy just won't take no for an answer! He's actually trying to get back in, for God's sake. He must be a total pain in the ass for the ladies when he's out at the bar. Look guy, this croc's just not that into you. Leave it alone.

New Entries Continue Sunday Evening.

2010-04-30T06:38:00.000-07:00

Hello, boils and ghouls! Thanks for taking a minute to drop by to read the first entries in the AHMP series. I'll be out of town for the weekend, but will return with new entries beginning Sunday evening. Of course I won't tell you what I'm working on, because that would ruin some of the fun. Have a good weekend, everybody!

Until then, please visit our fine sponsors.

AHMP: Slave of the Cannibal God

2010-04-29T21:46:00.000-07:00

Subject: Slave of the Cannibal God. 1978, Dir. Sergio Martino.

Preliminary remarks:
If exploitation films are a sub-genre of horror, then cannibal films are a sub-sub-genre of horror vis-a-vis being a sub-genre of exploitation. Hence therefore ergo, fair game for this blog. Let's go exploring!

ANALYSIS:

Yes, you're seeing this correctly; it's the TONGUE of a SNAKE making a beeline for Ursula Andress' CROTCH. I'm going to go ahead and give the artist an A+ for symbolism, but definitely a D for subtelty. Then again we're not here for subtelty, are we?

Personally, I'm of the opinion that Mr. Snake is actually performing a bit of cock block on behalf of Ms. Andress because you can tell that his head is interrupting Mr. Keach's line of sight toward her breasts. In fact, that's probably the only reason Mr. Keach is pissed off enough to try killing that snake...it's in his way.

Hey kids, speaking of bearded guys on the hunt, guess what? It's TRIVIA TIME! Do you know what else happened in the world of bearded hunters in cinema in 1978? No, I'm not talking about The Fury. Nor am I talking about Dawn of the Dead. And I'm certainly not talking about Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, The Swarm, Magic, The Eyes of Laura Mars, The Alien Factor, Zoltan: Hound of Dracula, Slithis or even Laserblast. I'm talking about MOBY DICK! That's right, Moby Dick was released to theatres in 1978, Dir. by Paul Stanley, and starring Jask Aranson as Captain Ahab, who was portrayed by Gregory Peck in the previous film version.

And of course no exploitation-based movie poster would be complete without ERECT NIPPLES. Yes, it's complete mammary madness NOT to include erect nipples, especially if the rest of the breasts are covered up. Obviously this also acts as a 'flesh beacon' to potential male viewers, assuring them there wll be some level of skin in the flick. I know it works on me every time.

Skull mountain with a full moon in the background? Are you kidding me? That is just so badass, it cannot be ignored. Think about all the horror films that make use of such imagery. House on Skull Mountain comes to mind for me. I'll have to do an entry devoted just to skull mountains in horror movie posters.

Did you know before his standup career took off, The Unknown Comic got his start as an extra in film? It's true. Swear to God.

HAHAHA! Oh WOW! This totally reminds me of that deleted scene from Back to the Future where Doc. Brown cannibalizes Marty and stuffs the flux capacitor into his abdomen. Also, this man appears to be made of lettuce.

Conclusion: Another knock out poster with lots going on. A+.

AHMP: Lady Frankenstein

2010-04-28T14:34:00.000-07:00

Subject: Lady Frankenstein. 1971, Dir. Mel Welles.

Preliminary remarks:
At first glance, this appears to be no less than an awesome horror movie poster that has it all: old castle interior - check; monster - check; lab equipment - check; mad scientist lady - check. But upon closer inspection, one sees there was much more effort placed into certain details and not others.

ANALYSIS:

WOW! Let me see if I've got this right: Lady Frankenstein (who could have more easily given birth to a baby if she wanted to create life, by the way) has her creation all sprawled out on a table...and he's sporting an erection? Look at the size of that thing he's trying to suppress! And he's trying to look all nonchalant about it just lying there like he's trying to sleep. Mommy's in the room and he's got a boner. This poster's artist has some deeply-rooted Oedipal issues.

Maybe this will go some ways into explaining why Jr. has an erection. Just look at that waist to hip ratio! Lady Frankenstein has some killer hips on her for sure, but she must also have a smoking hot backside, because that severed head in a jar's one and only eye is looking STRAIGHT AT IT.

Oh no she didn't! Actually, yes she did! You just know mommy sees Jr.'s erection and is thinking about it...hard. That hand grip can only mean one thing, and you know the artist didn't do that by mistake. 'Strange desires' indeed!

Seriously? The artist spend SO MUCH TIME on working out his Oedipal complex into the poster that he completely forgot to pick an appropriate font? It appears so. This must have been a last minute decision. "Well, it seems I've got every perverted weirdness out of my system in this here poster. All that's left to do it roll it up and send it to the studio so they can make copies to send out to theat...oh! I forgot the gripping text to accompany the title! Hrmmm...this military stencil font should fit the bill..."

I guess it nicely underscores all the imagery in the poster itself, but really; if you just look at the poster, there's strangeness in all directions without having to be told it's there. Still, for those concerned that there will not be any erotic content in this film, it's nice to have it spelled out.

Hahaha, table has no legs. Along with the odd military stencil font up top, the artist apparently ignored anything he couldn't perv up. Also, note the monster pointing away from his erection as though to say, "Whoa, look over there guys! What's that?!" Finally, I wish I knew someone who stood the way Lady Frankenstein is standing here; that's quite sexy, if not a bit unnatural.

CONCLUSION: Awesome poster. A+ for perversion, sexiness, atmosphere, floating tables and very strange desires indeed.

It begins soon...so very soon!

2010-04-27T19:16:00.000-07:00

Well kids, I've got everything squared away with setting up the blog and supporting social networking sites, along with candidates for the first 24 entries in the catalog! I have much Photochopping to do, and will post the first entries tomorrow (Wednesday). See you all tomorrow! :)

Welcome!

2010-04-26T13:30:00.000-07:00

Hello folks, and welcome to Dr. Jay Sin's Anatomy of a Horror Movie Poster blog. Here, I'll give you in-depth, serious analysis of the art featured in both popular and obscure horror cinema. And by in-depth, I mean over-the-top and ridiculously funny. As you'll find, some of the pieces practically write themselves. As this unusual visual library of the macabre builds, I encourage you to leave your own mark in the comments.

Thanks for visiting, and enjoy!