Computer problems.

Your beloved satire and silliness-laced horror blog is overflowing with sadness due to a lack of regular updates. Sure, I get stuff up every week, but not with the frequency I'd like.  My computer has been on the fritz for a long time now and it doesn't allow me to be productive like it did in the good old days when it was shiny, top-of-the-line and brand new.

For those who haven't already heard me bitch about it, I've got major viral problems: spontaneous reboots, every browser I use crashing for no reason, programs shutting down at random, inability to watch video for more than a minute at a time, total chaos when I try to update anti-virus software, etc.  Long story short: after much research I know these difficulties to be viral in nature and not merely overheating problems.  I just cannot afford a new computer right now.

So while I will bring you new material every week, it will not be with the frequency and quickness with which I (and presumably you) would prefer.  The moment I can upgrade, I'll let you know and you'll start seeing more frequent updates.

Until then, thank you for your enthusiastic support and know better days are just around the corner.  Halloween is coming fast, and that makes me VERY eager to get things right!

AHMP: Caltiki the Undying Monster

Subject: Caltiki the Undying Monster.
1959, Dir. Riccardo Freda.

Preliminary remarks:
Caltiki the Undying Monster was also released as Caltiki the Immortal Monster for those who cannot handle the sheer volume of terror conjured up by the word undying. The film revolves around atomic energy blasts from space reviving the age-old monster worshiped by voodoo loving natives. Basically, it looks a lot like The Blob but with some cool gore effects and voodoo. You can see the trailer right here. Anybody have any guesses as to what the fuck is going on at about 2:02? I encourage readers of both sexes to join me as I take a look at this poster.

AHMP: Beast from 20,000 Fathoms

Subject: The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms.
1953, Dir. Eugène Lourié.

Preliminary remarks:
A full year before atomic testing released Godzilla upon Tokyo, atomic testing released this beast from 20,000 fathoms upon New York City.  Who knows what waits for us in nature's no-man's land?  I do.  It's in the damn poster.

AHMP: Dr. Terror's House of Horrors

Subject: Dr. Terror's House of Horrors.
1965, Dir. Freddie Francis.

Preliminary remarks:
This thoroughly charming Amicus anthology tells of the fates of five people through the Tarot cards of the fiendish Dr. Terror.  Trailer.

AHMP: Black Sunday

Subject: Black Sunday.  1960, Dir. Mario Bava.

Preliminary remarks:
Black Sunday is not to be confused with Black Sabbath from 1963, also by Mario Bava.  That was the three-story anthology with Boris Karloff.  This is the one with Barbara Steele.  Here, Black Sunday is the tale of a witch and her servant who come back from the grave for vengeance with Steele possessing the body of her look-alike descendant.  As we look to the poster, remember; you've just been renounced in the name of Satan!  Trailer.

AHMP: The Treasure of Dracula

Subject: The Treasure of Dracula
(aka El tesoro de Drácula; El vampiro y el sexo).
1969, Dir. René Cardona.

Preliminary remarks:

First off, The Treasure of Dracula is one of the weakest titles I've ever seen for a horror movie.  Not one of the worst, but certainly one of the weakest.  It's incredible how the addition of just one word can ruin everything.  Here, it's the addition of the word 'treasure'.  Pft.  Fool ain't got no mothafuckin' treasure.  He's Dracula.  Badass like that don't need no treasure.  That would be like taking the 1931 Dracula and adding in something like 'Bram Stoker's' to the front of it.  Not necessary.  Some things can stand on their own two feet.

AHMP: The Terror

Subject: The Terror.  1963, Roger Corman.

Preliminary remarks:
This movie represents the ultra-rare pairing of two horror greats: Boris Karloff near the end of his reign and Jack Nicholson, just beginning his own foray into horror stardom.  Here, the berserk Baron Victor Frederick Von Leppe may or may not turn out to be who he claims.  And who he claims to be doesn't sit right with Lt. Andre Duvalier (Nicholson) as the two do battle for the slimy affections of wet, busty she-ghost Helene.  Also starring Dick Miller as someone not named Walter Paisley.  TRAILER.

AHMP: The Corpse Packs His Bags

Subject: The Corpse Packs His Bags.  1972, Dir. Jess Franco.

Preliminary remarks:
This Jess Franco adaptation of Edgar Wallace's "The Secret of the Black Suitcases" sees a British slasher pack the bags of his victims before stabbing them all up.  Superb poster art lies ahead, and since this is a Franco film you can rest assured the poster is far better than the film itself deserves.

ANALYSIS:

Om nom nom nom...

What a shame.  A terrible waste of such a cool jean jacket.

So much for nothing good happening only after midnight.

This secret hand signal means 'I've been murdered.'  It's a gang thing.  You wouldn't understand.

The entire film takes place inside a magical pop-up book where only murder happens.

I am the eye in the sky/
Looking at youuuu-uuu-uu/
I can cheat you blind.

Conclusion: incredible art, great atmosphere.  A.

AHMP: The Flesh and Blood Show

Subject: The Flesh and Blood Show.  1972, Dir. Pete Walker.

Preliminary remarks:
TRAILER!  Actors at a seaside theatre are being killed off one by one by an unknown maniac.


ANALYSIS:

An appalling amalgam of verbiage an verbosity.

Well now, hold on one minute.  This isn't in black and white?  I wasn't going to watch this movie, but now that I know it's been stained -gruesomely!- in color, gosh...that changes everything!  Thanks, Evi...whoever you are.

Great font selection.  Really evokes that boardwalk attraction feel.  Especially the bloodier aspects of it.

I'll admit my Farah Fawcett posters weren't like the ones you normally saw plastered to a young man's ceiling.

"Hmm, it seems having a Manson look-alike isn't going to be enough.   But you know what?  I'll bet if we cross him with Jack Frost, we'll make millions!

Another young Hollywood guillotine succumbs to the pressure to whore itself up with lipstick.

Playing wheelbarrow fail.

Conclusion: interesting poster.  Totally horror, but it feels somehow lacking.  B-/C+.

AHMP: Cauldron of Death

Subject: Cauldron of Death.  1973, Dir. Tulio Demicheli. 

Preliminary remarks: 
Strictly speaking, this is a bit verbotten on my end, because Cauldron of Death is actually an Italian crime drama/thriller.  Not a horror movie.  But there really is a cauldron of death featured here and the poster is straight out of a horror film so I'm calling it fair game, since we really are here for the posters.  The trailer is pretty funny, with its sound effects in the fight scenes and the cauldron itself.  CLICK.

ANALYSIS:

I can't even begin to recall the number of times I've been caught with my pants down in the sudden presence of a death cauldron.  It's embarrassing!  I'm going to see this movie just to get some pointers.

Extreme
Juxtoposition

Obvious
Implication

"So where do you work these days?"
"Oh, over at the Movielab.  I operate the death cauldron.  Kinda boring, to tell you the truth.  Always the same shit, different day.  'No, pleaaase!' they scream.  'I doan wanna diiiiie!'  Pft."

Oh come on, turn that frown upside down!  Quick, stand on your head so your face melts in the other direction!

Let's make a wish.  *I hope I get the larger bone*  Tip: try wishing for something along the lines of avoiding one of those sneaky, dignity-stealing death cauldrons.

The ol' 'melting-hand-bare-breast-block'.  Classic.  Still, I sense a missing nipple.

Conclusion: a poster this great begs to have the film itself redone as a gothic horror piece.  A-.